4 Reasons it’s hard to love your body
When clients tell me that they find it hard to really love their bodies, I just want to say that I get it. I really do.
The honest truth is that even after all of the work I have done to align with a truer version of my body, I still sometimes find myself struggling to REALLY love it completely.
That’s why, in the month of February, I have been challenging myself each day to name something that I DO genuinely love about my body. And it HAS been a true challenge! The sheer act of really seeing my body with an intention to LOVE it has brought up thoughts about myself that I didn’t know I was thinking.
And I realize that the “True Happy Body Love Challenge” has brought up some thoughts for some of you, too! You’ve told me this is so. As I’ve posted each day, I’ve gotten DMs or had convos with you, telling me the thoughts you’ve had. You’ve told me that you couldn’t possibly proclaim love for parts of yourself that you (and others) still judge as inferior or imperfect. Some of you have even said that you struggle to find anything worth loving at all. And if that is the case, I just want to say that I see you. And I get it. It makes total sense that we would all find loving our bodies a tall order.
Perhaps you’ve never really contemplated WHY it’s so dang hard for us to unapologetically love our bodies, but I have a few theories. You see, it’s actually TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE that you might feel that way. You aren’t broken, wrong, judgemental or flawed because you have negative thoughts about even the idea of loving your body unconditionally and unapologetically.
And so today I want to share some of those theories with you as to why this is the case, as well as some of the ways I have been answering them for myself this month as I’ve been more intentional about falling more in love with my own body and coming up against each of these factors. My hope is that you can see how maybe your brain is tangled up in one of these reasons, too, and then (with that awareness) be free to choose a different thought–a thought that allows you to connect with your body more easily and lovingly.
Four Reasons It’s Hard to Love Your Body:
1- We’re stuck in a kind of “all or nothing” thinking.
“All or Nothing” thinking just means that we’re completely focused on all of the things that we don’t like about our physical bodies/appearance, and so we fail to even notice any of the things that we actually do like…or could like. We are, essentially, throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater!
But “all or nothing” thinking is often simply a thought error. Just because there are things that we would like to change about our bodies, doesn’t mean that the ENTIRE body is disagreeable.
We can dislike our wrinkles, but love our eyes. We can dislike our thighs, but love our calves. Without judging whether or not we “should” dislike any part of ourselves, we can acknowledge that right now we DO have things we dislike and want to change, and also at the same time affirm that there are parts of ourselves that we actually DO (or could) still love.
Another way that “all or nothing” thinking shows up is when we dislike our physical appearance and call that “the body” without acknowledging other functions that “the body” performs that we CAN love.
So though we may want to lose weight, we can love the way our bodies allow us to hug and connect with our loved ones. We may have issues with the external body, but still love the way the internal body is functioning and sustaining us and guiding us. BOTH are “the body” and so we can likely find ways to TRULY love that body if we can transcend this kind of “all or nothing” thinking.
Some ways that I have been doing that myself this month is by thinking out of the box around the ways I normally view my body. Instead of looking at just my physical appearance, I’m focusing on the actions my body takes or the things it has done and the ways it expresses who I am in the world.
Another way to get out of “all or nothing” thinking is to practice filling in the other side of the body “pro/con” list. I don’t know about you, but I can be an ace at the “cons” column! But what about some of the “pros”? By intentionally getting out of the “all or nothing” thinking, we can begin to uncover things that we actually DO love about our bodies after all.
2. We’re stuck in the comparison trap.
This is a HUGE one for most of us. And it’s no wonder. We’re inundated with images of the “ideal body type,” and most of the time, it isn’t OURS. And so we’re comparing ourselves to those perceived ideals and finding ourselves falling short. We have Pinterest boards of “body goals” and pictures of celebrities stuck to our bathroom mirrors and refrigerators, but instead of motivating us, they are just reminding us of how we’re failing to live up to society’s standards of the “ideal” body.
But while we are striving and hating our bodies for failing to live up to that standard of beauty, have we ever stopped to notice how the “ideal” body type changes, depending on who it serves to promote that “ideal?” Who benefits when “they” say a beautiful body looks like xyz? I promise you that it isn’t us.
Also, have we ever considered that there isn’t actually ONE, UNIVERSAL “ideal” body type? (Go ahead–search “ideal body types throughout history.” Here’s one that I found that shows how dramatically the “ideal” has changed throughout history: beauty-standards.)
And it doesn’t take centuries or even decades! In just the three years that I’ve been working with weight loss clients, the “ideal” type that is promoted on the cover of magazines has gone from big, curvy, rounded backsides to a longer, thinner, leaner look. We’ve gone from seeing ads for Brazilian butt lifts to ads for extremely low calorie pre-packaged foods and injections for weight loss.
To be clear, I’m not saying that any of those tools and resources are wrong in and of themselves. But a tool is just that–a tool. And it’s not the tool that I am questioning here, but OUR REASONS for using it. And all too often, we aren’t aware that the reasons that we are failing to love our bodies and reaching for these tools is because we are stuck in “comparison trap” thoughts. We want to look like the “ideal” du jour, and so we’re reaching for every tool we can find to sculpt our bodies into that ideal. And we don’t love our bodies until we do. And if we can’t achieve it….well, then we can’t love our bodies.
Some of the ways that I have been working to untangle myself from “comparison trap” thinking is to question the thought of the “ideal” in the first place. If I can zoom out just a little bit from the magazine covers in the grocery aisle and remember that I don’t have to allow companies and celebrities to determine the “standard" of beauty or wellness, it helps me to be more friendly to my own body. Especially since those “standards” change so frequently! In fact, my “pancake booty” that I loathed last year is right on trend this year, now that more celebrities are experiencing rapid weight loss and the inevitable “deflating” that goes along with it, lol!
In all seriousness, to get out of the comparison trap, I ask myself whose standards am I aligning myself with? Whose standards do I WANT to align myself with?
And a deep, deep commitment that I have made to myself is to align with MY OWN AUTHENTIC BODY. So if my brain insists on comparing my body to an ideal, I am committed to ONLY comparing it to MY ideal body–the one that is expressed through my own genetic blueprint, lifestyle, and optimal wellness. So, yes, that may mean that I still want to get into the gym to do some squats and glute bridges, but it’s only to have MY optimal bootie, not some celebrity’s. I ask myself “what would MY ideal body–my own authentic True HAPPY Body–actually look like? It won’t look like a Kardashian or Barbie or a fitness influencer. But it WILL look like the ideal version of ME. And that is the image I keep in the forefront of my mind. NOT the magazine cover.
And, if all else fails, I remind myself that my body probably WAS the “ideal” in Ancient Greece or the Renaissance or the 1950’s…or some other time throughout history! (I’m looking at you Rubens!) And that actually helps me to see it with far more compassion and love.
3. We Aren’t Honoring Ourselves and Our Bodies.
I opened the door for this reason in the last example and, well, it promptly slammed me in my own face.
Sometimes one of the reasons that we find it difficult to love our bodies is because we know we AREN’T meeting our own standards of health and wellness. We may know what our own “True Happy Body” looks and feels like, and yet we’re still not living IN it. We are letting ourselves and our bodies down and we know it.
And so now, not only are we failing to love our physical bodies because of the way they look or feel, but we're also failing to love them by the way we’re treating them…by the way we’re not allowing our bodies to exist and express in their most optimal, healthy, happy forms.
And, to put the icing on top of this cake of self-loathing, we are also now failing to love ourselves because of it all.
Talk about a 1-2-3 sucker punch. No wonder it’s hard to love our bodies. No wonder it’s hard to love ourselves.
This isn’t an issue specifically related to just our bodies, but it does contribute to why it’s so dang difficult to love them. And it’s something I have to coach myself and my clients on all the time. It’s the idea of not keeping integrity with yourself. Another way to put it is: not doing what you say you want to do.
And escaping this way of thinking and being begins with compassion…compassion for yourself and compassion for the part of you that is attempting to protect you from what you say you want.
Say what?
Yes, that’s right. The reason that you aren’t living up to your own standard, your own desires, and your own ideal is because there is a part of you that believes it’s not safe to do so.
Our human brains are wired to move us away from pain and towards pleasure and comfort. We have specific parts of our brains whose jobs are to scan our environments for threats and alert us to trouble. The thing is, that part of the brain doesn’t distinguish the difference between death by a tiger and death by burpees! It just says, “no, better stay on this couch in this cave where it’s safe and warm and we won’t die!”
It sounds comical, but we’re actually working against the design and evolution of our own biology and physiology when we are attempting to make behavioral changes in our lives! Not to mention, that very biology is often in play when it comes to the condition of our bodies and their physical health/appearance in the first place! (I’m talking about hormones–cortisol, estrogen, insulin, etc).
And so, yes, instead of beating ourselves up for the fact that we are failing to make changes, the first step is COMPASSION and awareness of the ways that our bodies and biology and parts of ourselves are seemingly in the way because it serves us for them to be!
And then, once we know that, we can work to get them on our team instead of working against us. We can then recognize when those parts are at play, assure them of safety, and then find ways to align our actions with our higher desires, intentions, and truths.
And by doing so, we can love ourselves more, love our bodies by the way we treat them, and then (eventually) love the way the outer body shows us evidence of all of that love by expressing itself in its optimal form.
One practical way I’ve been doing that this month is actually listening to the part of me that DOESN’T want to love my body…the part that lists all the reasons why it’s actually dangerous for me to do so, and then answer it by creating ways for it to feel safe. And that leads me to #4…
4. We Have Stories About What It Means To Love Our Bodies.
Think about it. When I say, “unapologetic and unconditional love for your body,” what thought pops into your head?
For me, I have two. And they’re both negative.
The first has to do with character and the second has to do with desire.
The first story I have about unapologetically loving your body is that it is WRONG to do so.
People shouldn’t love their bodies in that way. It’s Vain. Narcissistic. Thirsty. Selfish. Prideful. Conceited.
Loving your body means that you’re self-absorbed. Or that you think YOUR body is better than someone else’s. Or that you believe that YOUR body meets that elusive “standard,” and who are YOU to do so, when everyone else seemingly cannot? Loving your body means you are a “bad” human. Or, at least, an obtuse one.
And the second story is almost the total opposite: loving my body means resignation. If I truly, genuinely love my body, I have to accept it completely as it is and not want to change anything about it–pancake booty and all. It means that I have to give up my desire for stronger and more flexible muscles. Loving my body means accepting the autoimmune skin issues and inflammatory issues I experience. Loving my body means that I am resigned to deal with it as it is, even if it isn’t functioning or expressing optimally. It means settling when I’m unhappy or feeling less than vibrant. Loving my body means “giving up” on it. And so I cannot love my body, because NOT loving feels like some kind of backwards, warped love FOR it.
Maybe you’ve had one (or both) of these thoughts. But even if you haven’t, I’m sure you have your own stories about what it MEANS to “love your body”--and why you SHOULDN’T.
But that’s the thing about stories–they are just that: STORIES. They aren’t FACTS. And, more often than not, it’s simply the kind of story we’re telling ourselves that’s holding us back.
And so, one way I’ve been working through my own stories about loving my body this month is by actually acknowledging them. I’m naming my stories…saying things aloud like, “it’s vain to love your body.” I write all of my stories down and look at them plainly.
Then, I ask myself, “Is that really true?”
Do I want to believe it’s vain to love my body?
Where did that story even come from?
Do I agree with it, or did someone just tell me that and I believed it, unquestioned?
Are there people who love their bodies who aren’t vain?
How is it not vain to unconditionally and unapologetically love my body?
And then, I decide what kind of story I WANT to tell. And I begin to systematically tell myself that new story–the story that says it actually serves both me AND the world when I unapologetically and unashamedly love my body.
And from that place, I not only learn to connect with and love my own body more, but I show up to passionately and relentlessly support others in doing so too. Others like you.